


absurd, farcical, asinine

by toast (aone)



Category: Wanna One (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, M/M, joon is your dad, the hixtape is mentioned bc i'm not ready boi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 12:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aone/pseuds/toast
Summary: the idea of getting caught smooching your secret boyfriend is pretty terrifying already but even more so when it's your dad that catches you and it’s not an idea it’s reality





	absurd, farcical, asinine

**Author's Note:**

> request:
> 
> "Howdy doodie! I'd like to request a fluffy drabble for Namjoon where the reader is his son who is still in the closet and he accidentally walks in on the reader and his boyfriend making out, and the reader is hella scared how Namjoon will react to him being (gay, or bi, idc). Thanks bub! (p.s. I loved all the writing u posted so far :) <3)"

“does your dad know yet?”

“know what?”

“you know what i mean.”

“no, i don’t think i do– ah!”

you grab guanlin’s wrist and push it away, pouting as you massage your side. you glare at him and he raises his eyebrows at you.

“that was an aggressive poke, jerk.”

“that was evasion, smart-ass.”

“ah, i know i know,” you sigh, scratching your head. “i just, i know my dad’s very supportive of same-sex relationships and the right to marry who you love but what about his own son? his only son?”

“if he’s an ally shouldn’t he be an ally for his son?”

_“ugh.”_

you groan and slide down and off the couch and onto the floor, frowning yet grateful that your father isn’t home to be a witness to this regular wednesday existential crisis. he left a few minutes after you and guanlin arrived, saying that he was meeting up with old friends. from high school? college? you didn’t ask. he’s probably hanging out with his old music buddies. hoseok-hyung is your favorite and his old mixtapes are _fire._

“is it comfortable down there?”

he asks that even when you’re standing at full height. the fact that he exceeds six feet is unfair. you’re in _high school._ he isn’t even _done growing yet._

“actually, it’s very comfortable. that way, if you manage to stub your toe on the coffee table, as my dad often does, at least the rug is a lush reprieve when you fall over.”

“why not just sit back down on the couch while you cry in pain?”

“some of us are not as sensible under great distress.”

“are you talking about yourself?”

“absolutely not.”

“what if you fall on the coffee table?”

“then you didn’t improvise a good landing.”

“so like this?”

you yell as guanlin purposefully falls over you, barely sticking his arms out in time to prop himself up before he actually crushes you. death by pathetic body slam, that’s a nice tombstone engraving. he laughs when you don’t remove your hands from your face.

“you laugh like a dolphin but clap like a seal.”

he laughs harder. “like that? was that a good landing?”

 _“god_ no! you could’ve killed me!” it’s infectious. a giggle is bubbling up your chest and into your throat.

“that’s exaggerating.”

“you could’ve crushed my ribs–”

“alright, that’s more probable.”

“ _–which_ could’ve pierced my lungs and then killed me,” you finish, finally uncovering your eyes to cross your arms on your chest, looking smug for someone who almost could’ve died. “that’s not a reach.”

“okay, okay, you win,” guanlin giggles, still a dolphin but like, a baby one. does that even make sense?

“of course i win, but i won something better,” you say, flashing a smile.

“what is that?”

_“your heart~”_

guanlin snorts and drops his forehead to your shoulder and you burst out laughing.

“you’re full of cheese!”

“you love it!”

you’re both giggling when he picks his head back up just to bring it back down, pressing his lips to yours. the two of you literally share a laugh. seokjin-hyung would appreciate that play on words.

guanlin lowers himself down to his forearms and you curl your arms around his neck, tickling the baby hairs on the back of his neck. he squeaks and retaliates by momentarily propping himself up on one arm, poking you in the side.

you squeal. “again?!”

“you started it!”

the front door opens and you two freeze, heads slowly turning as the footsteps stop. the blood rushing through your veins is suddenly very noticeable, especially the ones in your cheeks. you can feel your ears heating up.

“dad! uh...” you trail off, sitting up just as quick as guanlin scrambles off of you. “this is uh... fuck.”

“welcome back, namjoon-hyung,” guanlin greets, bowing. when did he stand up? “i’ll, um, be leaving now?”

guanlin grabs his school bag and makes for the front door, but he glances over at you, face conflicted. he doesn't want you to deal with this on your own.

“you can stay if you want, guanlin. i think it’d be better too? if you were here for the conversation. part of it at least,” namjoon says, awkward but serious.

you stay on the floor but your dad takes a seat on the couch you were on and pats the space beside him, motioning for guanlin to join you. you sit next to your dad and guanlin follows, falling to your side and hooking your pinky with his. you go further and hold his hand, staring at your socked feet. guanlin’s backpack hangs from one of his shoulders.

“so, how long have the two of you been together? the two of you have been friends since junior high, but when did this start?”

he’s choosing his words carefully and you hope it’s out of caution not to offend. you can’t even begin to think of how you’d respond if it was out of shock and simmering outrage.

“almost a month?” it comes out like a question and you bite your lip.

“three weeks and five days.”

you squeeze guanlin’s hand hard and he starts to whine but sees the apprehension in your eyes. he squeezes back, gentler.

“okay.” namjoon takes off his cap and sets it down on the coffee table. he turns his body to face you and you turn your head just a little, still not meeting his eyes for more than a second. “i’m sorry.”

that throws you off guard.

“sorry for what?” you ask, finally meeting his gaze head-on. “what?”

“i’m sorry if i ever gave off the idea that you couldn’t come to me about this, about having a boyfriend,” namjoon explains, brows furrowed in guilt. undeserved guilt.

you should assure him that’s not it!

“he’s not my boyfriend!” you squeak out. you kinda really wanna bite your fist.

“what?”

“what? um.” you blink rapidly. damn, wow, this is not how you imagined this would go. you imagined yourself being more in control than this. probably a little more angry. “we’ve been dating for a while, but we haven’t made it official yet? or, i don’t think so...”

“you’re dumb.”

you neck cracks like a whip as you turn to guanlin. “excuse me?”

“who ‘makes things official’ anymore? i just assumed that we were boyfriends the moment you stopped clenching your ass and kissed me on our fourth date,” guanlin fires, settling a hand over his heart. “i’m hurt.”

you stare blankly and eventually, your dad starts laughing. you and _your boyfriend_ turn to look at him in surprise.

“sorry, again, it’s just, it’s funny.” namjoon laughs some more and you gape. he composes himself. “it reminds me of when yoongi-hyung and jimin finally got together.”

 _“they’re together?!”_ you sound incredulous. but then you think about it. “they fight like an old married couple. makes sense.”

“are you saying the two of you are like an old married couple?”

“i am not old.”

“and i am?” guanlin feigns shock. “you wound me even deeper.”

“oh my god, shut up,” you say but can’t fight the smile from sprouting on your lips. “so... you’re okay with this, dad?”

namjoon looks on at the two of you then down to your clasped hands that found its way to rest on your thigh. guanlin is absently rubbing your knuckles with his thumb. namjoon smiles.

“of course i am. now that i look back, it seemed kind of inevitable, you two getting together.” you and guanlin share a confused look. “the two of you have been attached at the hip ever since you met at your seventh-grade science fair.”

namjoon looks at you pointedly. “your amazing volcano project exploded prematurely and covered guanlin, who was wearing a pristine white shirt, in blue goop.”

namjoon moves on to look at guanlin. “you didn’t cry, so my son cried for you. he tried to clean your shirt with cheap napkins from the concession stand, tears streaming down his face.”

“DAD! what! are you doing!” you use your free hand to shake him.

it’s futile to try and make him stop. once one embarrassing story slips out the rest soon follows.

“now is not the time to embarrass your son, he’s just had such a physically and mentally draining feelings session. he doesn’t need a roasting session right after, his schedule and exhausted state can’t handle it.”

guanlin, like the little very tall devil he is, butts in.

“i’m free the rest of the day to swap embarrassing stories about your son. he’s hilarious.”

“nooooo,” you cry, shaking them both. “stooooop.”

you flop back against the couch, pouting as you stare at the still-on television. there is a ghibli marathon going on and you would like to watch it instead of getting your dignity ripped to shreds by two of the most important people in your life.

“but in all seriousness, you two are essentially perfect for each other,” namjoon says, nodding his head. “it’s almost scary. to think my son has already found his soulmate before i have.“

you see guanlin flush pink from the corner of your eye. your cheeks are probably just as bad. maybe you can play it off as the frustration from being subject to savagery.

“i need to step up my game,” your dad says airily.

you laugh softly, then loudly, then really hard until your stomach starts hurting and your eyes are tearing up.

“oh my god. i am related to a ridiculous man.”

“hey, don’t talk about my future father-in-law like that,” guanlin says, deadpan.

you scrunch your face and cover your mouth. “and i’m dating a ludicrous boy!”

“you got any more synonyms left in that big brain of yours?” guanlin asks, smiling and annoying and grinning and being cutely irritating.

“i’m tired,” you say, huffing. “you guys wear me out.”

namjoon reaches out to ruffle your hair and you squint. guanlin reaches to do the same and you pretend to try and bite his hand. he screams and retracts the offending appendage.

“oi, be nice. he’s my future son-in-law.”

“wha– jesus.”

“hey,” namjoon chuckles, ruffling your hair again. it’s a mess. “now you know i have absolutely no problem with you and guanlin being together. sure, maybe now we’ll have even more reason to team up against you, but at least he has my blessing, right?”

“you’re horrible, both of you,” you say. you’re smiling though.

namjoon returns it with dimpled cheeks and gets up to disappear further into the house.

“i love you!” you yell to his back as he goes down the hallway. he makes a heart with his arms in response. you snort.

leaning back, you notice you’re still holding guanlin’s hand and slip out of it. it’s sweaty and gross. handholding is cute and romantic and all but ew. guanlin doesn’t react as you wipe your palm on your pants.

“your dad’s awesome.”

“thanks. i like to think so too.” you pat your thighs. “i guess we’re good. i feel so much better now that that’s out of the way.”

“me too.”

guanlin looks at you with a glint in his eye. _oh no._

“oh no, what is it?”

“think i can get all your childhood stories out of him in one night?”

“don’t you dare, lai guanlin. i will smite you where you stand.”

“i’m not standing.”

“i will smite you _where you sit.”_

**Author's Note:**

> full title: _absurd, farcical, asinine (i could go all day lai guanlin)_


End file.
